Finals

It has really been something else. So many emotions flow through you during these stressful times. I was elated when I saw the score for my Hist201 test. Last night, I was at the lowest low after hours of studying and I saw the less-than-satisfactory grades from my calc and chem finals. I felt like sleeping. I felt like my eyeballs were gonna fall out of my head and my brain was melted from the hours and hours of studying and testing and studying and testing and writing and studying and testing.
And there were times when I wanted to give up.
I didn't though. I didn't do all that great (for my standards). But at the end of the day I completed another semester (that's 4 down with my AP credits - shout out to CLHS for rockin' those classes).

And even if my grades say otherwise I learned a lot!
I learned about chemistry - understanding the world around me.
I learned about history - trade, religion, and biological warfare (and they didn't even test me on the last one)
I learned about mental and psychological issues and was able to apply the skills and resources in my life and the lives of those around me.
I learned about calculus - still don't know when you'd ever use it in life but hey, I learned some pretty cool tricks and I even made a friend in a class and I lost a bet too.
I learned more about my Savior's life, his Atonement, temples, and my testimony from my wonderful professor than I have in a long time.
I learned where I struggle and where I excel.
I got closer to declaring a major.
I learned that I choose sleep over class more often than not.

And learning is what's important. Knowledge is what rises with us in the resurrection. It can make a poor man rich and I truly believe that and education is the most important investment we can make in ourselves. And so, when I get those grades I'll be happy with what they are.
A's don't mean that I know the most in that class. It just means I tested well and followed the syllabus. But I know I learned something. Even if's not anything huge, or something that I'll forget in two weeks. It made a difference to me in this moment.

There's Those Moments On Campus When I Hear Things And Think, "Only at BYU..."

Like today, when I was walking to my last class and I hear a guy shouting into the phone, "IN THE ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE OF THINGS..." and he proceeded to shout while I carried on my merry way to class (PS I'll tell you what, class in the Benson and then in the Heritage Central Building with 10 minutes to get there is nearly impossible. Note to self for next semester).


And while I laughed to myself about the irony of what he said with the tone of which he said it, I realized that's an important motto.
The eternal perspective: what REALLY, TRULY matters?
Does it matter what we did in high school, how many things we're involved in, how many parties we've been to, the number of hours we've slept, how much money is in our bank accounts, how many friends we've had?

No.

It matters more how we carry ourselves after our experiences.

How we spend our time and the knowledge we've gained.

What did we do with our life? What did we leave behind?

How are we living now?

Do we dwell in the past? Or do we set our sights on the future? 

We keep moving forward.

I Just Don't Know...

So this blog is the closest thing I have to a journal. I know that that is so pathetic. I mean everything you see is not everything I write, simply because somethings are more personal for obvious reasons. But I really do feel like I need to blog/journal more. Things are more exciting here and the Y than I let on, promises! And I know that I will regret not writing things down later on. But how do I know what's going to be important years down the road if I don't even know what's important five seconds from now?
This has been hands down the most challenging time in my life. The Church puts so much emphasis on the youth and then all of sudden, it's like "Here you are. Out you go into the real world. So... good luck with that." And the young adults are all trying to figure out what just happened and at the same time stay spiritual and stay focused on our studies and make friends and re-establish life as we know it.
But I truly believe that the Lord is there to guide us. (I promise I wasn't planning on being cliché when I started typing this) He know what's going on and has a better view of the future than I ever could. So here's to sticking to it, and plugging along when the tough times come.

Reflection

For every paper I've written in my Writing 150 class, we had to complete a reflection on the process of writing our paper and the challenges and successes that came because of it.
Well, seeing as it's the end of my first semester of college (!), I thought it might be appropriate to reflect on my challenges and successes in this latest chapter of my life.

First, I have now lived on my own for four months. HATE IT. There is nothing better than going home, eating something homemade, having someone do your laundry, and not having to plan everything on your own. But, there are positives. I don't have to have someone plan my every minute (Mom, if you only knew how I spent my time here...), and I'm learning to be independent. Baby steps, for sure, but I'm doing it.

Second, I have a new family. I did the impossible and made new friends. Seeing my brothers/bulldogs over break was one of the highlights of my life, no joke. But there was a part of me that couldn't wait to get back to P-town to see Kenzi and Amber - my sisters - and all the other wonderful/not-so-wonderful people here. What a relief to know that, yes, it can be done! I can live outside of Lake County!

Third, I'm not engaged, dating someone, or planning on dating someone. Take that all you people who said I'd come to BYU and be engaged after a semester because
    a. That's what Mormons do
    b. That's what BYU is for.
    c. It didn't matter where I went to school because I really was only going to meet my future husband (MRS degree, obviously)
And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Fourth, I have cried more in the last four months than anytime I can remember. There were the times when I missed my boys. There were the times when I was so stressed about classes I couldn't see straight. There were the times when all I wanted was to be home where I didn't have to worry about money anymore! There were the times when I couldn't make up my mind about the future (a scary place by the way). And there were the times when I just wanted familiarity. BUT I LIVED. I succeeded. I made it through. And all those worries seem a lot sillier from this point of view.

Fifth, I'm okay with the fact that I haven't gotten all As this semester and that that is pretty much out of the realm of possibility. Did it suck of course? Well yeah! This girl's had straight As since the 4th grade! But then I remembered I'm at BYU. And every student here came from a highly successful academic background. And not everyone can be on top. AND I AM OKAY WITH IT.

Sixth, getting out of the Lake County bubble has opened my eyes in so many ways. I sure appreciate home a lot more. I wouldn't change growing up in hicktown Lakeport for anything in my life. I love having to explain where I live in California to people who think that they know the area so well. And then the looks on people's faces when I tell them I graduated with 100 kids. The stories that I have, the memories, make it all worth it in the end.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that I'm happy for where I've been, and excited for where I'm going. I kinda surprised myself with sitting down and writing this with how many things I'm thankful for in my life. It may mean nothing to you. But it means everything to me!

EDIT: Oren wanted me to let you all know how miserable I was that I didn't get to see him over break. That is all.

I really am not okay with this whole 'moving' thing.

I have never EVER thought more about backing out of something until now. Obviously I'm still going. Not going would be ridiculous. But saying goodbye to my best friends in the world is one of the hardest things to do. How will I have lunch without having to yell at the boys to pick up their trash? Where am I going to go when I realize I can't just show up at Brendan's house? Who am I supposed to lean on when I just need to cry?
To prove to you how pathetic I am, I couldn't even make it down the driveway at B's house before crying. Not just a few tears. I was crying pretty hard. Luckily, he was the last stop.
This whole new world used to be exciting and inviting. And now I'm wondering what in the world am I thinking? Reality hit. Hard. So now it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm blogging because I can't sleep because I'm bawling my eyes out realizing how wonderful my life is here.
Example 1: Today I get a text from Josef that said he wanted to see me before I left. Cue tear fest. For those who don't know, I was J's first friend at CLHS. And I'm soooo glad I talked to him in that PE class. He is such an inspiration.
Example 2: Sam Omiotek printed some of his lovely shots of Lakeport for me to take to school with me. I'm so glad I can hang a piece of home in my room.
Example 3: I can just show up at people's houses and there's no judgments.
Example 4: Brooke posting on my Facebook Wall. You're amazing and beautiful and I love you and I miss you!!!!! :) ♥
Example 5: Rachel and Scott being so loving and kind all these years. I appreciate their support.
Example 6: Going to Mitch's house and having 10 people there to say goodbye too. I love those people.
Example 7: Ty staying in his undies when I went to say bye. Definitely love there.
Example 8: B letting me live in denial. Even though he has class today. But just for a minute, letting me pretend it wasn't happening. Living in the moment.
My friends always know just what I need. I KNOW I will never be able to replace or substitute or come anywhere close to what I have now. But I sure hope that I have something. And mainly enjoy myself.
On a side note, I will be in the car for 12 hours tomorrow. Text me and keep me company.

Countdown to Moving

How else do I celebrate than with Brittani day with Brendan? Too bad I'm super indecisive so it kinda failed. lol

So of course we go buy ice cream. Because when you get bored you eat.

Then we drive around. Where? Oh, pick up the little bro, go get school supplies, and then drop him off. And then drive around the lake. Like, literally. We went almost to Blue Lakes and then out to Buckingham (Google Map it, yo.) and every road in Finley.

Pizza Lessons from Captain Mike. Someday he might relive his pizza parlor days.

Shark Week, Little Mermaid, Zombies and Rugrats.

One day I might get bored. But for now I'm soaking it all up.

Today I Kinda Freaked...

I realized I leave in a month. Like, exactly. And it's coming so fast. And then Haley texted me and said she was nervous about leaving, too. And on top of a million other things going on right now, I really didn't know if I'd be able to handle leaving. I'm so completely satisfied in my life right now. I'm working and doing the adult things. But when I get off, I get to be a kid. I can go over to my friends' houses and decide on a whim to buy some pizzas. We can do what we want to, when we want to. We can stay out late, watch movies, eat froyo, drive around without a care in the world because we know that if anything were to happen our parents are still there, just around the corner. But in a short time all of that will change. My parents (and the adopted set known as the City of Lakeport) won't be there to bail me out, pick me up and dust me off, or just comfort me when I need it. I realize that yeah, to a certain extent they'll always be there. But I know things change, these relationships included.

But for the time being, I think I'll stick to enjoying my last few weeks as an 18-year-old kid.

Graduation Speech

I'm incredibly proud of being a part of the CLHS Class of 2012

And I'm pretty proud of this speech, too. ;)

I know it's long, but I'm pretty freaking hilarious.

If the video doesn't work, follow this link.